Online dating recovering alcoholics
“If they start dating too soon, they are likely to choose someone who is emotionally less mature, as they themselves are, than if they waited a year.” People tend to choose partners who are at their same emotional maturity level.
It would follow then, that recovering individuals would choose differently after working on themselves first.
Codependent individuals focus too heavily on the needs of their partner (“My happiness is dependent on making/keeping you happy”), and define themselves by their relationship, sometimes lowering their personal standards to please someone else.
Some women choose abusive partners in early recovery because they lack discernment or grew accustomed to being treated poorly in childhood.
“We have to learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else.” People in recovery might choose to date a very different type of person when they first quit using as compared to when they have achieved a year of sobriety, observes Desloover.
Recovering people often have learned to either shut down and hold in their emotions for fear of being hurt or to romanticize their relationships and fall in love at the first opportunity, without discriminating.
“In treatment, people learn new skills that need to be practiced before they are able to make them part of their daily life without returning to old patterns,” she explains.
I’d have laughed with my date over beers and shots and back then if a prospective love interest didn't drink, I didn't want to know. And I use the term I relied heavily on alcohol to start, maintain and end relationships with women.
In my early drinking days growing up in a small town in the English countryside the single most revelatory experience was the discovery of ‘snakebite’—a cloudy mix of lager and a local hard cider called scrumpy which I credit with achieving my first snog-and-grope session under a pool table at a party in the local youth center. I floated home through ancient country lanes to my first true hangover, utterly elated and completely in love. Now with nine years sober I have adjusted the idea of what I want from a partner but finding one in the crap-shoot of online dating has proven to be more difficult than I thought. Traditional forms of engagement with the opposite sex are easier with a little alcoholic lubrication.
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What forty-something who does hard drugs need help? After a break up gossip and awkward moments at the coffee urn can create a hostile environment.